Not that it will make any difference in my blogging habits, but I am off to Ohio for a week. Happy holidays to all!

I'm a homeowner! And a Southsider!

Still no closing figure, but I just learned that my condo used to belong to the executive secretary of Allan Bloom and that Bloom and Saul Bellow, among others, used to go to cocktail parties in my condo!! Ok, so maybe no one else will be as excited by this as I am, but I thought it was incredibly cool! And that’s why I paid too much for a small condo—it’s got character! :)

Not freaking out, not freaking out, not freaking out...

Closing's in 40 hours, and I don't know how much closing costs are. I figure if I keep telling myself that I'm not freaking out, I'll start to believe it...

Ok, since Laz requested it a week ago, and since it's a busy week work-wise but not condo-wise, a brief description of my condo:
-2 bedrooms/1 bath, living room, dining room, kitchen
-The master bedroom was converted into a library. So I'll be sleeping in the small bedroom and using the library as, um, a library. The other realtor asked if I had enough books to fill it. Ha!
-Hardwood floors in bedrooms, lr, and dr. Ceramic tile in kitchen and bathroom
-Oven, fridge, microwave, and dishwasher in the kitchen
-The rooms are smallish. I think total livable area is something like 800 square feet. Compared to my current place it feels like a palace.
-The place was built in the 1920s, so it's old but well maintained. And charming. :)
-There's a shared back porch/stairs, a laundry room (with 'free' laundry), big storage spaces, a common room, and a small backyard.
-The condo association is very well run, and the people are incredibly friendly.
-There are 18 units in the building, with three floors and three entryways. So there are two doors per landing and no real hallways.
-Best of all, it's a 10-minute walk from work!

I won't tell you how much I paid, but it's probably $75K less than it would be in my current neighborhood, and my employer is paying closing costs. Assesments are a bit higher than I'd like, but since the condo association has a lot in reserves it's nice to know I won't be hit with an enormous special assesment if the roof caves in or something.

Tentative plan is to move in January 8. There will be a north side move out and a south side move in. The moving truck is only making the trip once, so everything will be on it. That way if people don't have time and/or transportation but would like to help, they can choose once side or the other to help with. It's not going to take long, regardless. Everything will be boxed and ready to go. Move out will involve moving things across the hall to the freight elevator and then down a short hall to the truck. Moving in will be slightly trickier but not much, since I'm on the first floor (with a short staircase up). Since everything I own fits in 300 square feet right now, it can't be too much. :) If I could, I would move myself, but I'm guessing I can't carry a bed or couch by myself.

I'm still pretty convinced that something will go wrong before December 15, so maybe I will be living in my office instead. :)

Buying this condo is by far the most stressful thing I've ever done. I'm incapable of thinking about anything else right now, but it would just cause more stress to write about it. So probably no blogging until closing (Dec. 15, I hope).

Yep, it was a great plan to buy a condo and start a new job at the same time. Really.

This week at work we have open enrollments for next year's benefits. On our enrollment cards are our salaries, for purposes of costs of benefits, etc. Instead of listing either my old salary or my new salary my card showed a sum of the two. That was a pretty number. :) Unfortunately, this is causing me a headache because they are not really going to pay me that salary, but all of my benefits were figured incorrectly. Hmph.

In other news, I have a condo. At least assuming that the mountains of paperwork goes correctly, I will have a condo on December 15. There are way too many people involved in this process, but so far they've all been nice. And I only got one condo-related phone call today, which was quite an improvement over the past couple of days when I've had to speak with my realtor, my attorney, my home inspector, my mortgage counselor, and my lender. Moving plans are unknown at this point, but I will probably be moving around Jan 6 or so.

things are moving quickly with the condo. nothing's official yet, but i'm starting to feel like an adult. :)

I feel like my head is spinning right now. Soooo much going on. Trying to get over being sick, and I start a new job tomorrow, start real estate classes tomorrow (required by my lender), and possibly put an offer on a condo this week. I'm not sure I can handle all of this, but I'm going to try!

In other news, no, I'm not engaged because of the White Sox. :) It was a fun thought in May, but neither of us wanted to be married because of an arbitrary event like a baseball championship!

Well, I still hate Ticketmaster, but I love the White Sox. They have come through big for us several times in the past few weeks. Yesterday, I got a package in the mail for Matthew with some really cool items. The team heard (from me) about Matthew's fire and losing his White Sox memorabilia. I thought they'd send a pennant or a mug or something, but they really outdid themselves. And today I found out that WE'RE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES. Games 1 and 6. :) My parents might now regret offering to pay for tix!!

The mouse was just now behind my desk, in my recycling bin. Ick, ick, ick. I'm TOTALLY freaked out right now. Now, besides the wall of windows and the door I can close, I have one more reason to want to be in my new office.

In other news...

I'm Picard-- yay!

"An accomplished diplomat who can virtually do no wrong, you sometimes know it is best to rely on the council of others while holding the reins.

There are some words which I have known since I was a schoolboy. "With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censored, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably." These words were uttered by Judge Aaron Satie -- as a wisdom, and warning. The first time any man's freedom is trodden on, we're all damaged.

Jean-Luc is a character in the Star Trek universe. This The Next Generation fan site has an outline of his career."

Ticketmaster (still) sucks.

I just saw a mouse scampering down the hallway near my office. I'm not sure what the proper procedure is for me to report this or what in the world they might want to do about it. But now I'm a little skittish!

Off to my first meeting with my realtor. :) (Ok, so my realtor is Scott, and it's not like I haven't met him yet, but it's our first realtor-client meeting.)

I know this blog is not usually the bearer of so much good news, but...

I GOT THE JOB! (And I'll be making substantially more money than I did before.)

The White Sox did lose last night, so I feel a little better about the universe. I was afraid there was too much good in my life and things were going to all crash down. But it's hard to feel down about a game where you were sitting in a swanky suite with Ron Kittle and watching the Angels' execs react to the game in the next suite over. They could have had more vegetarian options in their catering, but I guess that's ok. :)

I'm going to the White Sox game tonight!!! (I love my boyfriend :) )

I spoke too soon. Official word: Interview #2 tomorrow.

Grandma is doing well-- better than we expected, actually. She's able to talk some already, and she'll be working with a speech therapist also. So that's good news.

And my interview went really well. I haven't heard anything official yet, but I think that even if I don't get it, the division will consider me for future openings. So that's good news, too.

Too much good news scares me. I'm obviously my mother's daughter. :)

I called my dad and filled him in on the ups and downs of my day, including my failed attempt to buy playoff tickets (damn ticketmaster). He listened to me and then said, "Well, unfortunately, I have to end your day on a down note. Your grandmother had a stroke today."

She's in the hospital, but no one seems to be sure how she is yet. Apparently she's not very communicative. Dad told me not to fly home yet, since I wouldn't get to talk to her anyway. The stroke was in the brainstem, which I guess can be pretty bad.

I feel like my life is a roller coaster right now. Everytime something really good happens, something really bad happens to balance it out. I just want a smooth ride. No big ups, and no big downs!

Given how everyone (including me) complains about their jobs, I never expected to be in this kind of position. I applied for a job in another department. I did not actually want a different job. I love what I do most of the time, and I really love the people I work with. But when a job like this one opens up, you have to jump at it. I didn't jump without the pushing of my dad, Matthew, and a senior-level administrator here.

I didn't tell my boss because it's been a stressful couple of weeks here, and I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news if nothing was going to come of it. But now I have an interview. I really have no idea what my chances are of getting this job, but I wanted to tell my boss at this point so he wouldn't be caught unaware. This place is small enough that word can travel quickly. He looked like he might cry when I gave him the news.

So now I want to be excited that I'm being interviewed for this really tremendous opportunity for me, but I also feel guilty for leaving. Am I crazy for feeling that way? With a few minor exceptions, the people who would be most affected by my leaving have treated me tremendously well.

It's certainly nice to know that I'm appreciated and well-liked, but it doesn't make this kind of thing any easier!

I passed the morning sports guy from WGN on my way to the train this morning. He was set up for a live shoot from Comiskey. I was going to say hi, but I couldn't remember his name. I guess you can't be that big of a celebrity if someone can recognize you but not recall your name. Of course, I'm not certain that I would have recognized him without the WGN van and cameraman, but still. Anyway, my brush with minor celebrity of the day. :)

Remember when I said I wanted the students to return to campus because I was bored and lonely? Yeah, I was wrong. I want to post a sign that says, "Welcome back. Now please leave." I do love seeing everyone again. I don't love that they all have work for me to do. I believe I am currently swimming in paperwork. And naturally I keep adding to my workload. Because why wouldn't I make things more difficult for myself.

The dreams are gone because the insomnia is back in full force. :(

And this week will be a test to see if five baseball games in eight days will kill me or not.

While I haven't been suffering from insomnia the past couple of day, I have been having some really bizarre dreams.

Three nights ago, I dreamt that two people I knew had AIDS. I know I had the dream because right before bed I watched an episode of Girlfriends where they found out one of their friends had AIDS. Still, it was frightening.

Two nights ago, I dreamt that I was offered a better position in a different department, but I was reluctant to take it because I had unfinished business in my current position. Odd dream, but it did inspire me to get organized and work and be more productive in case something presents itself. :)

And last night, I dreamt that I was pregnant. I have no idea what prompted that one, but it was very, very scary.

I went to assertiveness training today, so expect a more assertive Kelly from now on. :)

I just want to be able to talk or think about anything other than the fire. I want to stop retelling and rehearing this story over and over again. I just can't handle hearing how close he was the death. This is all hard enough without being reminded that I almost lost him.

I want things to be, if not normal, at least not so jumbled. I want to be able to sleep without Matthew by my side and without freaking out about whether he's ok or not. I want to be able to hear a fire engine or smell a barbeque or see a cat without crying.

I'm actually doing pretty ok, for the most part. I'm worried about Matthew, of course, and I'm sad about Cecil. As long as I'm taking care of stuff, washing smoky clothes, etc (vinegar works well), I'm fine. It's when I stop that I freak out again. Going to work should be a great relief, but there's no one in my office still. No matter how much work I have to do (and it's piling up), I can't help but daydream and brood without anyone there.

I suppose I should be fine. It's not me who was in the fire. It's not my apartment and my stuff that's lost. But I fret over how to help Matthew without pressuring him or being in the way. I worry about how he's going to recover emotionally and financially. I worry about his mental state and his future plans.

Matthew's immediate reaction was anger, and I don't know how far past that he's moved. I started numb, moved to sad, and finally got to anger. I told my brother I'm moving through grief stages in reverse. He said if I'm in denial in a week then he'll be worried.

I'm not saying all of this so that you'll worry about me or anything. I just need to vent. My mom can only listen to me rant for so long, and I'm a little too on edge to sleep.

Matthew has a place to stay for now, and I think he'll be moving in somewhere soon. Things have been a little up and down with all of that, so I don't want to get my hopes up, but there are some promising leads.

Anyone who reads this probably already knows this, but in case you don't: There was a fire at Matthew's apartment last night (which apparently made the news). He and his roommate are fine, but his cat did not make it. If Matthew and Josh had been in the apartment another thirty seconds, they probably wouldn't have made it out alive. The apartment is gone. Matthew's clothes, books, and DVDs are mostly ok, but smoke damaged. The electronics are ruined-- mostly smoke damage, some water damage. Josh's stuff is completely gone. He was able to recover his wallet and a couple of pictures, but not much else.

I'm still in shock. We're both going to work tomorrow and are trying to move on. There's not much anyone can do to help at this point, although Matthew may be homeless for quite a while, at least until he recovers his security deposit, and I'm not sure how long we'll enjoy living together in my 300 square feet.

Thank you for the kind emails and such. I'm still processing and will respond at some point.

Lance, give it up already. Enjoy your impossible-to-top seven victories. Enjoy having the money to retire at 33. Enjoy your rock-star fiancee. Enjoy finally spending time with your young children. Enjoy raising money for a worthy cause. Enjoy leisurely rides with the President. But whatever you do, for God's sake don't do the Tour again. And don't blame the French media if you just can't stay off the bike.

For those of you keeping track, my email address has changed. The first part is the same, but it is now at gmail.com, instead of at yahoo.com. If you didn't know my email address in the first place, you don't need to know. :)

I just walked past football practice. I think I'm bigger than some of the players that were out there. In fact, if I went to school here I might think about trying out for the team. I guess that's why I can get season tickets to their games for a whopping $10.

Woo! The dentist says it's time to get my wisdom teeth out. Ok, I'm not actually excited about that, but when I do get my wisdom teeth out, I will also get to finally lose the lower retainer I've been wearing for 13 years. I've mostly forgotten it's even there, but it will be awfully nice not to get popcorn kernels stuck in there any more. :) Of course, all of this is contingent on my insurance company approving the teeth extraction.

My new goal in life is to read all the award winners of the Pultizer Prize for Fiction. Why this award list? Because the ones I've read thus far have been among my favorites, so I trust their judgment.

So far I've read:
2004 The Known World by Edward P. Jones
2003 Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides (Probably my favorite book EVER)
2002 Empire Falls by Richard Russo
2001 The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
2000 Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri
1994 The Shipping News by E. Annie Proulx
1988 Beloved by Toni Morrison
1961 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
1953 The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
1947 All the King's Men by Robert Penn Warren
1940 The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
1937 Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
1932 The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck
1921 The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton

The award dates back to 1918, with only eight years missing, so I've got a ways to go. I'm in the middle of 1999's The Hours by Michael Cunningham, and I have on my shelf 1983's The Color Purple by Alice Walker. At least this is my plan of the moment, until I get sidetracked with a million other books I want to read. :)

Citibank SUCKS. I will never, never use that credit card again, and it will be canceled.

Hmph.

Long story short, I was just penalized, with a $29 late fee, for paying my bill too early. Yeah, good way to keep your customers happy. They're going to waive the late fee as a one-time "convenience" to me, but apparently that's just the way it is, and if it shows up on my credit report, too bad.

Good thing I'm going to Ohio for four days to clear my mind. :)

Kelly's not here. She's slowly melting at her desk in her non-air-conditioned office.

Updating links and other sidebar information would--quite literally--cause her to break a sweat. As would thinking about posting. Or doing work, for that matter.

As you may all be vaguely aware, there are much more effective means of contacting Kelly than through this blog.

Lately I've seen an alarming number of people with tattoos of names on the side of their necks. I've tried googling the meaning for this, thus far without success. I do really hope there's some kind of significance for this though, like a memorial for someone who's died, because I hate to think that someone might put the name of a girlfriend or boyfriend in such a conspicuous place. A breakup is hard enough without seeing the other person's name every time you look in a mirror!

I'm thinking about going to this. Anyone want to go with me?

Title of Event: Mary Anne Mohanraj: Bodies in Motion: Stories
Location: Women and Children First
Time: Thursday, July 28, 2005 7:30 PM

Currently a visiting professor at Roosevelt University, Sri Lankan-born writer Mary Anne Mohanraj explores the loves, ambitions, and spiritual and sexual quests of two Sri Lankan-American families in this sparkling collection of short stories.

The plan is:

Saturday, July 23
9:00pm
The Irish Oak (3511 N. Clark St)

If you'd like to see Chryssi before she moves (back) overseas, be there. You could see me there too. :)

So much for thinking I was all better. After puking a few times Monday night, I decided a sick day was in order yesterday. That appears to have done the trick, as I am now back and work and (I think) healthy.

Chryssi is safely here, albeit without some of her luggage that is either in Seattle or Dallas and possibly on its way to Indianapolis. She will be here until Monday, so there's a possibility of a group outing this weekend. I'll keep you posted.

I'm back. Ohio was wonderful and restful as always. Sleeping there was no problem at all. (And no comments about Ohio being so boring that it puts everyone to sleep!) Of course, waking up way too early to fly back this morning has left me once again bleary-eyed. I'm hoping that the ability to sleep remains with me tonight. After all, I need to be well rested when Chryssi comes to town tomorrow. :)

I haven't gotten more than four or five hours of sleep a night in a week. I walk around like a zombie all day, but the minute my head hits the pillow my mind starts racing a million miles and minute, and I simply cannot fall asleep. I've tried having the air conditioning on, off, and every level in between. I've tried working out and not working out. I've totally cut out caffeine and sugar after noon. But nothing is helping. And I'm now at the point where I'm terrified I won't be able to fall asleep and thus can think of nothing else at bedtime, making me even less likely to fall asleep. And even after I fall asleep I've been waking up multiple times in a night. It's very aggravating.

But I'm off to Ohio in a few hours, so maybe being home will solve it. Or maybe I'll just finally be so tired that my body has no choice but to shut down.

According to my Nantucket Nectar's bottle cap: "Some Native Americans believed Nantucket to be their God Moshop's slippers filled with sand." Right. I knew that.

This year's Tour de France has me a little perplexed. I fully expected Lance to win the Stage One time trial, and when he passed Ullrich on the course, I figured he had it all wrapped up. Losing by two seconds is not like Lance. But I also expected that after the first day he would ease up and let others win through at least the first week and a half. Again, I was wrong. Granted, Lance didn't mean to win yesterday in the Team Time Trial. No one expected Zabriskie to crash, and I think Lance was probably viewing Zabriskie as this year's Voeckler, at least for a little while. Still, it's been odd, and I'm wondering if Lance expects to keep the yellow jersey from here on out, a definite challenge. If I were Lance I'd give it up until the mountains, where he is clearly dominant. Then again, if the peloton keeps chasing down the attackers like they did today, there might not be much position shuffling going on. The only thing that's for sure is that Hincapie is being groomed as Lance's replacement on the Discovery Channel Team.

Well, I got to see the White Sox win on my birthday. It's not surprising that they won; it was a bit surprising that they managed to finish while it was still my birthday. After a two-hour rain delay and a 3:11 game (eight and a half innings should not take that long!), Anthony, Matthew, and I stayed for approximately two seconds of fireworks before sprinting to the red line. And I made it home by 12:20 in time to spend all night listening to neighbors setting off fireworks. :(

Speaking of the White Sox, my favorite player is on the ballot for the Final Man contest to make the All Star Squad. Scotty Podsednik, major league stolen base leader and a rather good-looking man, needs your vote! :) And despite the Playmate girlfriend, he does seem to be a good guy and a someone who truly loves the game. During the rain delay yesterday, he signed autographs for what seemed like an hour. Too bad I was in the upper deck... Anyway, if you have a free moment, go to mlb.com and vote for Scotty. Apparently voting is unlimited, so vote early and often.

I appreciate that my place of employment wants me to feel loved, I really do. But perhaps there's a better way to do that than to send me a card through campus mail, addressed with an address label, signed with a label ("FROM Humanities Division Birthday Club"), and *personalized* with a label ("KELLY, See you at the big 'Birthday Bash' in September! --Details to follow--"). My dry cleaners put more effort into my Christmas card! Oh well, at least I'll get to go to a big impersonal party in September with all the other employees whose birthdays happen to fall in the summer. :)

Back from Detroit. Thankfully the trip was much nicer than last time. And I was even sober for the whole thing. :) I'm sure Matthew's review of Comerica Park will be up soon and far more comprehensive than anything I could hope to write. That's about all we saw of Detroit, which is just as well really, so there's nothing for me to add. I will say, however, that I much prefer Amtrak to driving. Who knew there was such a great way to travel?

Off to Detroit for approximately 17 hours. So the blog will be quiet. Er, the blog will be quieter. Why are you checking this anyway?

I have nothing to say. Except that work at a university should be easier over the summer, not harder. (But shortened hours rule!)

Come to Gay Idol tomorrow! The semifinals last week were unbelievably fun, and the finals should be even better. And Josh is actually very good and needs your support. He's singing third, and voting is done by number, so if you come, try to wear a t-shirt with number 3 on it somewhere. :) And call me if you're coming and don't want to show up alone.

Ok, troops... you're being rallied. Go Josh! :)

Saturday, June 18--Final Competition - for Gay Idol at Circuit Nightclub, 3641 N. Halsted. 7PM $5 cover. Host: Amy Matheny w/ Special guest judges. Final contestants compete for top honors as "Windy City's Gay Idol." Audience members can vote & have chances to win mountain bike, guitar & theatre tix.

My cell phone just rang. I didn't recognize the number, but I knew the area code was a Cleveland number. Turns out my 75-year-old grandmother has a cell phone. And doesn't know how to use it apparently, since she meant to call my Aunt Kathy and was shocked that she'd mysteriously reached me. Please explain to me why my technologically-illiterate grandmother has a cell phone and my 27-year-old gadget-obsessed boyfriend doesn't.

I'm still here. But this being the busy end of the quarter, I'm actually doing (gasp) work at work. Blogging may commence in the lonely summer months. Or not.

A few weeks ago, my high school was ranked 850-somethingth in Newsweek's Top 1000 High Schools. This week we find out that two--possibly more--students at that high school were caught hacking into the school's computer system and changing their grades. And these were honor students, mind you. (Well, at least I assume they would have still been honor students without the grade changing.) Back in my day students weren't allowed to walk at graduation because they were caught drinking on their parents' boat (true story), but nothing like this.

My favorite part of the story:

Paola is a gifted student, Haupt said, and very knowledgeable about computers. So knowledgeable, he and others figured out the password to the grading system, which was simply the teacher’s identification number coupled with the class code, according to Haupt.

“It was just a guess,” he said. “They didn’t crack a code to pass national security.”

Ah yes, all the technology in the world does you no good if you can't come up with a good password. Next we'll learn that the password was written next to the keyboard.

Random (and less depressing) thoughts:

--The clock tower is not purple. I know it's historically been used only for football, but when was the last time the NU football team won the national champtionship?

--On our (five-mile) stroll through ev,il last night, Kim and I saw a girl on the lakefill crying and screaming into her phone to a person (presumably male) on the other end who "just doesn't get it." I had to fight off the urge to go up to her and say (in my best maternal voice), "Honey, I know it seems bad now, but in five years you'll be walking out here reminiscing about the good times and laughing at the bad times. Trust me on this one." :-)

--I still feel like an idiot for now knowing what palaver meant.

--I just finished reading Memoirs of a Geisha, which is really fabulous. I don’t want to know how a grown man can write from the point-of-view of a 14-year-old girl, but however he managed it, it worked well.

--I just started reading High Fidelity. Given that the movie is in my top 5 (ha!), I expected to like the book a good deal, but no more than the movie. I was wrong. The book is vastly superior to the movie. What a great discovery.

I guess it may happen to all of us sooner or later. The war in Iraq has finally touched me personally. A soldier from my hometown was killed by a car bomb near Mosul on Saturday. He wasn’t a close friend, but he and I went to the same church when we were growing up, and his dad and my mom had worked together many years ago. I suppose I couldn’t have become any more opposed to the war than I already was, but this certainly puts a more personal face on the needless death and suffering. I can’t say that I’m any more sad about Aaron’s death than I would be about the loss of any human life, as I doubt if I’d have ever seen him again even if he’d lived, but I am a bit out-of-sorts this morning. Story (free registration required)

I like to think I'm a reasonably intelligent person. Certainly an objective observer or two has thought so. But every once in a while I get knocked down a peg or three. Case in point: a Serbian prof in my department walked into my office a few minutes ago and said, "I need the advice of a native English speaker." This same person has asked my advice on Spanish in the past, which I was easily able to give. But the English advice? Nope. His question-- "How do you use the word palaver?" Not only had I never heard of the word, I couldn't even figure out how to spell it. I did make a decent guess when given the context, but I felt like an idiot for not even recognizing the word. Matthew bailed me out over email, and I was able to actually help the prof (giving credit where it was due, of course). So, your moment of Balderdash for the day: without cheating, give a definition of palaver. (This will be more fun if those of you who know the real answer abstain from answering. Of course, if everyone already knows the definition, feel free to have fun at my expense.)

This day has sucked the motivation right out of me. Never a good day when your boss is in a bad mood and decides to take it out on you. Alas.

At least pretty soon I get to listen to baseball on the radio. Don't ask who I'm rooting for because I haven't decided. :-) And very, very soon it will be the weekend. Tomorrow I plan to sleep all day long, regardless of the weather.

Vegas odds are currently 10-1 that I'll be engaged at some point in October. Matthew made a smart-ass comment a couple of weeks ago that he'd propose if the White Sox won the World Series (not when the White Sox win the World Series, an important for distinction for pessimistic fans). I *think* he meant it as a joke, but it has evolved into his go-to answer about our relationship. His mom asked if we'd thought about marriage and he said it was a bit early for that, but if the White Sox win it all this year, he'll propose. Yesterday, at the wedding of one of Matthew's high school friends, other friends he hadn't seen in years asked us when our wedding was going to be. Matthew answered, "when the White Sox win the World Series," which seems to be a step back to me. Anyway, we are not engaged, nor have I agreed that I will say yes if he proposes, but if the Sox win the pennant, things could get interesting. I wonder if they'd give us a price break on a Comiskey wedding if we let them use the story in a marketing campaign. :-)

Chryssi was in town for 5 seconds (approx.) last night, so I got to see her just long enough to really start missing her again. In her three-day trip to the US, she had to meet at least five new significant (or almost-significant) others of her friends. Four of those were last night. Chryssi's only been out of the country four moths. I think there's been something in the air lately because it seems like every single person I knew six months ago is now happily coupled, or nearly there. It can't be just an age thing because the formerly-single people span at least three years' difference in age. It can't be a weather thing because there is at least a little geographic diversity in the group. And it doesn't seem to be just a matter of seeing your friends meet people and wanting it too because the matchups seem to be really good ones, with long-term potential. I don't have an explanation. I'm just glad I'm in a relationship right now because no matter how happy I was being single, it would be really tough to be the only odd one out right now!

I just returned from Jimmy's PhD defense. I don't know the first thing about, um, "Investigating the Structural and Functional Basis of Catalysis in the Tetrahymena Group I Ribosome,” but the PowerPoint presentation was pretty, and it sounded to me like he knew what he was talking about. :-) So congrats to Jimmy!

I have ONE $3.50 ticket to the White Sox game this Thursday vs. Baltimore (Sammy's first trip back to Chicago). Game is at 7:05 at Comiskey. AL-Pitcher-of-the-Month-of-April Jon Garland is pitching. It's also dollar hotdog day at the park. Any takers? First person to email me gets it.

I am back in town and back in super running mode. :) Funny how a good race will do that to you. The Indy Mini Marathon is a ton of fun-- lots of spectators and an insane amount of course entertainment. At some points we could hear three bands at the same time. And while it wasn't quite as cool as running in Soldier Field, running on the Indianapolis Motor Speedway was very fun. Gives me a whole new appreciation for NASCAR drivers. I don't know how they don't get bored out of their minds driving around that track 250 times!

My race time wasn't super-fast, but given my lack of training in recent months, it was a perfectably acceptable 2:15 (that's a mile pace of 10:19). Most importantly, I managed to run the whole thing, so my endurance hasn't suffered, even if my legs, lungs, and heart are a little weaker than they should be to be distance racing.

The funniest part of the Indy trip, though, was that the people we were staying with (parents of a friend) seemed to think that Scott and I were a couple. I suppose that Scott and I have been friends for so long and running together for so long that we do sometimes finish each other's sentences or reminisce, but the thought of us as a couple is just too funny!

Anyway, I'm once again planning every race I'm going to run in the next few months and getting excited about buying a new pair of ridiculously expensive running shoes. I'm even *almost* ready to commit to running the Chicago Marathon again. Hope none of you were planning to see me after 8pm anytime soon. :)

Off to Indy to run (walk) a half marathon. Then back for 3 minutes and off to Milwaukee for Mothers' Day. Someday I'll stay in the state long enough to see everyone. :-)

Sign I just saw posted all over campus:

"$10 for 45 Minutes"

:-)

Ok, perhaps I should start by tempering by last post a bit. I am not going to make a claim that all generic drugs are evil. What I will say is that they are not always identical to their brand-name counterparts, regardless of what the drugs companies and the insurance companies might lead you to believe. I’m sure some generic drugs work for some people. But if you have taken Drug X for years and years and are suddenly switched to the generic, be aware that the side effects could be radically different. In theory the therapeutic results should be the same (though I personally will wait for further proof of that before believing it).

So, onto my story.

Sometime in January I went to the doctor for my routine annual exam and was prescribed my usual birth control pill (Ortho Tri-Cyclen). This was all well and good, as I had been taking this particular drug for five-plus years without any problem. However, when I went to drug store, the pharmacist recommended that I substitute the generic version (Tri-Nessa). Now I have pretty good insurance, so there wasn’t an extreme price difference between the two, but $5 instead of $15 is still saving money. I was a bit leery, but the pharmacist assured me that the two were “exactly the same.”

I started taking the generic, and forgot entirely that I’d even made a switch (since, after all, the two drugs were supposed to be therapeutically identical). If I’d realized I was actually switching medications, I would have been on the lookout for side effects. Instead, the side effects came, and I looked far and wide for other causes.

The first side effect to hit me was unprovoked crying spells. Now, I do cry pretty easily, but there’s usually some reason, even if it’s only a sappy commercial. These crying fits were inexplicable. I couldn’t stop myself from crying, but I had no idea why I was doing it. In many cases I made some little problem into a bigger deal than it was because I convinced myself that it must be the reason I was crying, that on some level it was bothering me more than I thought it was.

The crying quickly morphed into ridiculous mood swings and episodes of extreme depression. I am prone to depression anyway, but I really thought I’d been better since moving back here. I’m quite happy with my life right now, and the depression had me really worried. I started to believe this was something I was going to have to battle on a daily basis, which sunk me into an even deeper depression.

As I got more depressed, I lost touch with far-away people and spent less and less time with those closer. People would email, and I would forget or ignore the email. Phone calls went unanswered and were returned only after prompting by Matthew, who wanted to stay in touch with my friends, even if I suddenly didn’t.

As is typical with depression, I also lost motivation to do things that had once interested me. I grew lax about running. I spent less and less time on my Russian homework until I finally stopped going to class altogether. It wasn’t that I was totally incapable of working out or having fun. When Scott would come over to run with me, I usually enjoyed it. When Matthew would drag me to bowling or baseball games, I had fun. But I just couldn’t put any effort into deciding what to do or making myself do it. Worst of all, my sex drive completely waned. Suddenly sex seemed like a hassle, a waste of good sleeping time. I knew—mentally—that I enjoyed sex, but I just couldn’t get excited about it and my body wouldn’t cooperate when I did try. I attributed all of this to the depression.

The emotional and mental side effects were bad and scary, but I was reluctant to see a psychologist because I hadn’t had success with that in the past. And I knew I had always been able to snap myself out of depression in the past by keeping active. But somehow I just couldn’t do it this time.

However bad the emotional side effects were, it was the physical ones that had me really scared. I started getting headaches that bordered on migraines. Even when my head didn’t hurt, I sometimes felt like I was in a fog that I just couldn’t shake. My vision was blurry, something I eventually realized was a sudden inability to wear contacts. I figured it was allergies, or maybe time to buy new contacts. I was nauseous and bloated more and more often.

These could all be explained away, but my recurring yeast infections were more difficult to explain and were the cause of my eventual panic. I won’t go into detail, but they weren’t fun. Anyone who had bought over-the-counter yeast infection medication probably knows that there are warnings about the possible causes of recurrent infections, which include, among others things,diabetes. With my family history of diabetes, my common blood-sugar problems, my headaches and vision problems, I was convinced that the infections were a sign I shouldn’t ignore. I became completely paranoid and hypochondriacal, reading descriptions and symptom lists for not only diabetes, but every disease that might give me any one of my symptoms. This became especially bad between the time when I scheduled the doctor’s appointment and the actual day of the appointment.

Finally, two days before I was scheduled to go to the doctor, I made the connection that all of this had started around the time when I switched to the generic pill. Although I still thought it must be unrelated, I decided to see if I could find any information about Tri-Nessa. I soon found a website of patient reviews. After reading descriptions of more than fifty women who’d had no problems on Ortho Tri-Cyclen and suddenly developed awful side effects (many similar to mine) on Tri-Nessa, I began to realize that everything I was experiencing could be explained just by reading the side effects list included with the medication. Of course, these are the same side effects one could experience on the brand-name, but for some reason the generic was interacting differently with our bodies. On a blog was a story that sounded like it could have been written by me. Women on bulletin boards on other websites had similar experiences. A ray of hope entered my life with the thought that all of this would go away if I just switched back to my old drug.

A visit to the doctor yesterday confirmed what I was thinking. My wonderful doctor said that she’d heard stories like this about generic drugs, and it upset her that the pharmacist had changed my prescription without informing her. She agreed that switching back to Ortho Tri-Cyclen should clear up everything, but she humored my paranoia and tested me for diabetes anyway. She seemed to think it was a little odd that I wanted to switch back in the middle of a pack of pills, but she sympathized and wrote the prescription anyway.

Of course this is a costly move on my part, since I had already purchased one pack of pills this month and have now spent $45 for basically one-and-a-half weeks of pills (since insurance will only cover one pack every four weeks), but I have no doubt it will be worth it. I did not want to spend one more second on a drug that had such a negative effect on my body. I already feel better today, which I’m sure is more a result of knowing that the side effects will go away than it is a result of the one pill I took this morning.

It’s entirely possible that at least one of my “symptoms” was caused by something else, and maybe I really do need new contacts, maybe I do have unresolved emotional issues to deal with. But I’m fairly certain I will be much happier and healthier in a month or two.

So—be careful with generic drugs, and don’t take Tri-Nessa, no matter how much money it might save you!

A long post is coming at some point soon to explain my absence from the blog. It will probably be too much information for some. But the basic point, in case you choose not to read, is: generic drugs are NOT the same as their name-brand counterparts. Do not let your doctor/pharmacist/insurance company tell you otherwise! And I officially do not have diabetes.

This may be disjointed...

--Just got off the phone with Chryssi! Yay! While I miss her trmendously, it's fantastic to hear how happy she sounds in London.

--Happy Earth Day everyone! I don't know what I'll be doing to help the environment (other than taking public transportation, which I do anyway.) Maybe I'll look into ordering recycled products for the office. Hmmm. If it wasn't raining right now I'd go outside and hug a tree. If anyone wants to join me when it stops raining, let me know. :)

--Last year around this time, the students here were selling shirts with the name of the school on the front and on the back: "where fun goes to die." This year the back reads: "where the only thing that goes down on you is your GPA." At least they realize what big dorks they are. :)

--Went to dinner last night with a prof at Wright College. He asked me why I left California. I have my usual pat answer that I loved the geography and climate and hated the people (though not all of them, obviously). Usually people just nod knowingly and let it drop. But this prof pushed me on specifics. When I was trying to explain what I meant it dawned on me that I had always felt like living in SB was a transient existence. I think I need to meditate on this a bit, but it may be that I would never have been comfortable and rooted in grad school, no matter when or where I went. I think at some point I reached a point where I wanted and needed stability. Mind you, it took a good long while, but still. :)

I've convinced myself I have type 1 diabetes. I may have to re-subtitle the blog "hypochondriasis at its finest." In any case I had already scheduled a doctor's appointment next week, so if I can stop myself from freaking out until then I can get the opinion of a medical professional to back me up (or more likely, prove me wrong). Whether or not it's totally irrational for me to think I'm diabetic, it is a good idea for me to be occasionally tested, as my grandfather had type 1 diabetes that onset around age 30 and I've been dealing with hypersensitivity-to-sugar issues for at least ten years.

Ok, done being neurotic for the moment. :)

So unhappy with the election of Ratzinger!! I have disliked this man for years and years. Oh well, guess I'm not going back to the Church anytime soon.

I bowled a 147 last night!!

Of course in the first two games I didn't break 100, but hey, at least my single-game score is improving occasionally :) Maybe I'll break down and buy shoes and a ball now, especially since my usual alley ball was mysteriously missing last night.

On a totally different subject, if you're the kind of person who throws a hissy fit every time you see a misplaced apostrophe and you haven't yet read Eats, Shoots and Leaves, go read it immediately. That is all.

We're back. Ridiculously tired, but back.

Nothing like waking up at 3 in the morning to get on a plane and go to a full day of work!

But it was well worth it for a wonderful relaxing weekend of seeing the family. (And skipping work to watch baseball!)

In lieu of a weekend wrapup, I direct you to Matthew's analysis of The Jake.

For the third weekend in a row, I am leaving the state!

Ok, the first two were just day jaunts to Milwaukee, but still...

This weekend, Matthew and I are headed to Ohio. I would like to claim to be a good daughter/granddaughter, but the real impetus for the trip was that Matthew wanted to go to Cleveland's home opener against the Sox.

However, I can still appear to be a good granddaughter because it is an especially good weekend to go home, for several reasons:
--Sunday is a surprise 70th birthday party for my maternal grandmother. I suppose if she reads this blog, it won't be a surprise anymore, but if she reads this blog she's probably had enough surprises.
--This is the last weekend my paternal grandmother is spending in her house before moving to an assisted-living home and likely the last chance I'll get to be in that house.
--The one-year anniversary of my paternal grandfather's death is this weekend.

Anyway, whatever the reasons, I'm very happy to be going to Ohio.

Argh. It's one of those morning already. The train shut its doors in my face as I got to the top of the stairs on the el platform; a bus was pulling away as I got to street level after departing said train; I have figured out that two things are scheduled in the same place at the same time, which, though not my fault, is my problem with which to deal; and now I must run to a dredfully boring meeting that will accomplish nothing except the wasting of valuable time.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about sports fandom. I come from a family of die-hard fans of Cleveland sports teams. When my father was born, they put a football in his hand, and since that time he has loved the Browns. It doesn’t matter to him that the Browns of today aren’t the Browns here grew up with, that the team was moved to Baltimore and then re-created. He will root for them against all others and against all odds. My mother is similarly obsessed with the Indians. She grew up going to Indians games, often with free tickets for getting straight As (note to other teams: letting kids go to games for free is a terrific way to build a paying fan base in later years…) Now Mom watches or listens to almost every Indians’ game every season, and she knows the history and stats of the team as well as any announcer. With the exception of Northwestern teams, I don’t have this single-minded devotion to any sports franchises. There are teams I love, to be sure, but that love is often an ephemeral thing. Do I obsess over the Indianapolis Colts? Sure, but only because I love watching Payton Manning play and especially love watching him break records. Will I care about the Colts in a few years when the next big quarterback is shattering these new records? Nope. Did I find a way to sneak a radio to the coffee shop to listen to Cubbies’ playoffs games while at work two years ago? Yes, but only because I was extraordinarily bored with my life in Santa Barbara and desperate for anything that reminded me of Chicago. Do I follow them now that I live a mile from Wrigley? Nope.

At times I’ve thought of myself as the very worst of the fair-weather fans, rooting for the Indians when they finally got to the World Series or for Lance Armstrong when he attempted his sixth (and easiest) win of the Tour de France. Is that it? Do I only care about winners?

While it would be easy to buy into that theory and write myself off as a bad fan, I don’t think that’s the underlying reason for all my allegiance-swapping. After all, Northwestern football has let me down time and time again, but you don’t see me cheering for USC. Rather, I think I just need a hook to become interested in a team. I didn’t root for the Indians growing up in Northeastern Ohio because no one (except my mom) rooted for them then. They may have played a mere 60 miles from my house, but it was nearly impossible to follow them when no one cared. Indians’ “highlights” rarely made the news and sports announcers found any other sport to talk about. Once they started winning, it was easy to follow the team, since all of northeastern Ohio went a little Tribe-crazy.

That’s not to say that I’m a lazy fan. In fact, I tend to be quite obsessive, constantly checking stats and rankings. It’s just that I like to be sharing my obsession with others, even if I’m doing so passively by listening or reading, rather than speaking or writing. It’s easier to connect to a team when others are doing the same. I followed every nuance of the Cubs’ playoff in 2003 because I was listening to Chicago sports talk radio every day at work. I followed every nuance of the Indians’ playoff in 1997 because I had a boyfriend who was doing the same.

Now that I’m tracking every move of the White Sox, it’s easy to think of myself as a traitor (even though I was a White Sox fan, then Indians fan, then Cubs fan) or a bad fan. But the truth is that fandom is simply more fun when it’s shared. I’m quite certain that if I lived in Ohio right now I would be a diehard Indians fan. But I live and work in Chicago, and frankly I feel much more connected to Chicago than I do to Cleveland, despite the family connections.

And so I root for the White Sox today as they battle the Indians. Next week in Cleveland may be a different story.

When I'm at the stadium tomorrow, I'm going to buy tix to the Monday, April 18 Sox game (7:05 vs. Minnesota). Tix are $7 (no fees if you buy at Comiskey). Anyone in? Tell me by email if you are!

In case I haven't mentioned it lately, I love my mother. Sure, she drives me crazy sometimes, but she gives me moment of extreme amusement. An example. Earlier this morning I had a voice mail from my mother. The content of the message was something like this: "Hi Kel. It's Mom. I just had to call you because I'm driving to work and that radio station that always has Rush Limbaugh and all those conservative talk show hosts now has Jerry Springer. I know everyone thinks he's a joke because of his TV show. But he's really good. He's liberal, but he makes sense. I don't know how a conservative could listen to him and think he's wrong, but of course they would. He makes sense, he's good. I don't know if you get him there, but you should listen. Love you!" :)

I got a raise!

Ok, so that's not quite as exciting as it sounds since the only reason I got it is that the union finally got its collective ass in gear and negotiated a contract. But hey, 6% is 6%. No matter how you look at it, I'm taking home more money each week. Woo! Now if only I could get out of the union and stop paying them $30/month...

Ok, I'm all done complaining about my job. I just had the best performance evaluation I can possibly imagine. Of course, I don't qualigy for merit-based raises since I'm in the union, but it's damn nice to be appreciated. :)

You know you work in a decrepit building when the power goes out three times in half an hour and no one blinks an eye.

Well, I thought I was better. I'm hoping it's the weather, but I am struggling to keep my eyes open today, and I got 9 hours of sleep last night. Oy.

Anyway, mostly physically better, though I am in a serous emotional funk. And for no real discernible reason.

So posting may be sporadic at best. I've been horribly bad about answering emails lately because of said funk, so if I've been ignoring you, rest assured that you're not alone. :)

I just really really really want to be better. Damn this winter and damn my poor constitution.

Yesterday, out in the suburbs, when I should have been been playing cards and enjoying good food with Matthew's parents, I was instead curled up on the couch in a blanket because I was freezing cold in a warm house and felt like I might faint at any second.

Today I am at work, but just barely functioning.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday I get to work from home. Maybe, just maybe, staying home in my pjs and eating soup will help me kick this thing for good. But I don't have my hopes up too high.

A couple of disjointed thoughts...

--On WGN news this morning, there was a graphic for the Alaskan oil drilling legislation. The graphic said "Artic Oil Bill." I know it's not the best news station out there, but come on.

--My boss made up for his previous gaff by telling me I could work shortened hours next week. And since it's spring break, and my building is being refloored, he also said that if it was too scary or too smelly in my office, I should feel free to go home early any day. Woo! Now, just to keep myself from taking advantage of that too much.

--I get to order a new copier! Hey, I'm bored right now. This is exciting news. And it has a fax machine included. Bonus! Most important, it has a document feeder. Until you've tried it, you just can't understand how mind-numbing it is to photocopy a 100-page document one sheet at a time. Now that I have a copier, I no longer need an assistant. :)

My boss just called me "Kel." I'm so not okay with that.

I must say... there's nothing better than getting drunk on company time and company dime. (please excuse typos, i can't quite see straight!)

Walking to the train this morning I had to stop and wait to cross the street. Based on the distance the nearest car was to me I typically would have crossed, but the car was weaving all over the road, and I didn't want to risk being hit by a crazy drunk. As the car neared I realized that it was a white limo in poor repair. The limo slowed and then stopped directly in front of me. The window rolled down. A sleazy overgrown frat boy leaned out and slurred, "you need a cab?" I politely declined and thanked the good lord for public transportation.

If that had been a dream, what would it symbolize?

You know you don't take elevators very often when a ride in an elevator feels like magic. I rode up three floors today, and I had a very difficult time orienting myself to the fact that I was not still on the ground floor. It was unsttling enough that I plan to stick to the stairs from now on.

According to the calendar, my brother turns 23 two weeks from today. I refuse to believe he'll be that old. In my mind he's still 13. If he's really 23, that makes me much older than I want to admit to being. :)

I'm back. The weekend went well. Matthew got to meet Mom, Dad, Grandma, Granny, Grandpa, two aunts, two uncles, two cousins, and my parish priest. And he didn't run away screaming :)

Off to Ohio. Nothing new to report. I'm sure I'll have stories when I get back. :)

Ok, you all know I'm getting a little bored at my current job. I've made about all the improvements I can, and now I'm too efficient for my own good. That said, I wasn't actually planning to start looking for jobs quite yet. I'd like to be at my current job a year first. And I was planning to wait until my job title was updated since it would seem to be easier to look for jobs that way.

BUT-- I just found a job listing for a position that would actually make some use of my degrees, odd as that may sound. I'd have a lot better shot at it if I hadn't cut ties with my grad program, but even so I should have some chance. It's at the same place I'm at now, so retirement plan, etc, wouldn't have to be uprooted. And it's three paygrades higher than my current position, even if I'm upgraded.

I think on some level I know I have to apply for this job. Whether or not I'd actually get it, I'd be an idiot to turn down an opportunity like that. It's not exactly my ideal job, but it's a step in the right direction. So, question is, do I tell my boss I'm applying?

Is it Friday yet? I'm really, really excited to be going home this weekend. Something about knowing I'll see my parents in a few days just makes everything right with the world.

And I'm finally getting organized at work. I spent yesterday morning hanging up cork boards and organizing schedules and contact info I have to reference on a daily basis. Up for today is reorganizing financial records. The downside of having temped in this job before taking over on a "permanent" basis is that I left a lot of the file organization the way my predecessor had it. It's time I fully implemented by own system. Ha ha.

Well, I may never write my own dissertation, but I have now been thanked in the official acknowledgment section of someone else's dissertation, and that's got to count for something :)

There may be a plan in the works to head to Evanston tonight to see Million Dollar Baby at the swanky theater that I never got to enjoy. Contact me if interested.

My ipod's in a very mellow mood this morning. I appreciate that.

Not puking yet. I take that as a good sign.

And my resolve to stop drinking coffee lasted exactly two days. Damn, this cup of coffee is possibly the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. :)

I am feeling much better, but already today three profs have called in sick with the flu, and those are just the ones who had to be on campus today. It's only a matter of time until I'm sick again. SO, I'm enjoying my health immensely, knowing it's temporary.

Well, I don't know whether to blame the weather or all the people around me who are sick, but I am definitely not feeling well. :(

For the past few weeks I have been studying physics in my spare time. Why? Because Russian was too easy. :) (I'm kidding... actually Russian has gotten difficult and boring.) Really I'm just appalled that I was able to get through high school and college (and grad school) without ever studying physics. (I took bio, chem, and anatomy in high school and biological clocks and neuroscience in college.) I'm trying to fill that lacuna now with self study. So far I've read (actually re-read) Brian Greene's The Elegant Universe and Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time. Next up is Six Easy Pieces by Feynman.

The result of all of this is that I've decided that I really really want to visit the Fermi Lab and see the particle accelerator. The problem with that idea is that I don't have a car. So... I'm hoping that I can get one of my friends with a vehicle really excited about how terrifically cool it would be to drive just 45 miles away and see this amazing plaze. Any takers? I'll pay gas and tolls and take you to dinner. :)

Happy Fat Tuesday to all!

Every year for as long as I can remember my mother has gone on a diet for Lent. What this meant for us is that every Mardi Gras we would have an enormous and gluttonous feast. It was a rule in my house that to give something up you had to first overindulge. For Fat Tuesday we'd usually get pizza and mozzarella sticks and chocolate cake and apple pie and etc. I think Mom always hoped that she'd feel so awful the next day that it would actually be a relief to diet. I've never been able to break free of the overindulge-before-abstaining mentality, but I have decided that it's a rather unleathy way to live.

I have yet to decide if I'll give up anything for Lent this year. I will, of course, abstain from meat on Fridays. :) I've never been completely successful in my Lenten promises. I remember a year when I was about twelve or thirteen where I gave up buying earrings for Lent and actually cheated once because we were on a field trip at a history or science museum, and I found a pair of earrings that were too cool to pass up. I remember that they were the purchase of a lifetime, but I can't recall what the earrings looked like. Another year (in college) I gave up alcohol for Lent. I think I may have actually followed through on that one because I remember thinking that communion wine on Easter would be my return to alcohol (even though the doctrine of transubstantiation would suggest that communion wine is not actually alcoholic). Typically, though, I give up vices when I'm depressed, as a way of regaining control over my life. Since I'm not currently depressed, it seems a little silly. But I do like the feeling of superiority it gives me, so perhaps I will think of something.

What are YOU giving up for Lent?

Matthew loves all of you so much that he would like you to join us at White Sox half price Mondays.

From Matthew--who doesn't know about the existence of the blog :)
"The dates are 4/18, 5/16, 5/30, 6/13, 6/20, 7/4, 7/18, 8/15, and 9/19. I have tickets in Section 520, the first $7 section on the first base side. Tickets can be bought online (there is a ticketmaster service charge) or at the park, where there are no extra fees."

The 6:30 Seinfeld episode yesterday was "The Pool Guy," wherein George finds his worlds colliding when Elaine befriends Susan. For much of my life I've sympathized with George's sentiments in this episode. I've always had several discrete groups of friends, and I have rarely enjoyed mixing them. Of course, to some extent it's unavoidable, but by and large I've preferred to keep different groups of friends completely separate. (This was especially true in SB where it was also especially difficult to accomplish.) However, since moving back here I've found myself happily introducing different friends to each other and actually encouraging co-mingling (within reason... I mean I would still find it odd if two of my previously unacquainted friends atarted spending more time with each other than either did with me). I have a theory as to why that is. I think I'm happy to share my friends now because I'm happier and more emotionally secure in general. I'm not entirely sure how those are related, but I think they are. :)

I officially need a new job. Why? I have nothing left to do here. I had four big projects sitting on my desk for quite a while. Even though the due dates were in the future, I felt guilty every time I checked personal email, looked at blogs, spent too much time of Craigslist, etc. Today, in a few brief hours, I finished all four projects. As it happens, they weren't quite as big as I thought. So now I can do my crossword puzzle without any pesky feelings of guilt hanging over me. Somehow it's just not as much fun without the self-reproach. And I'm bored out of my mind.

You Are a New School Democrat

You like partying and politics - and are likely to be young and affluent. You're less religious, traditional, and uptight than most Democrats. Smoking pot, homosexuality, and gambling are all okay in your book. You prefer that the government help people take care of themselves.

What political persuasion are you?

One year ago today the lease started on my apartment. That's right, I have now been a resident of this fine city for an entire year. And I can safely say that this has been the best year of my life thus far (though I expect them to just keep getting better and better, of course!) To be sure, bad things happened in the past year, most notably the death of my grandfather. But overall I'm happier, and more settled, than I ever have been. And I've been unhappy enough to really appreciate how special that is. So, to everyone who's been such a bit part of my happiness this year, thank you :)

Sign that I'm growing up (or growing insane): Just booked a flight for me and the boy to go visit my parents. A month from now. I'm trying not to freak out about the amount of commitment that indicates. :)

I know none of you have ever noticed this, but I'm (just the teensiest bit) obsessive.

Do you believe in free will?

It's amazing how much good half a day off work can do! Not only am I now healthy, but I am once again caught up on my Russian homework.

I am, however, feeling wildly out of sorts at the moment, and I'm not entirely sure why.

I bowled a 116 this weekend! That may not sound great, but it's far and away my best game ever. In typical me fashion though, I bowled 100-59-116. Consistency has never been my strength.

In other news, I'm miserably sick right now. I'm at work, but I think I will be leaving soon.

Damn this weather.

So I was on the phone with my dad yesterday, and I expressed surprise that he didn't have more questions about The Boy. The ones he did ask were very good-- "will he have intellectual debates with you?" and "does he treat you well?" But still, it was odd that he didn't have more. So he called back today. His voicemail message: "Hi! Now that I've had more time to think about it, I have a few more questions for you. Does he have any ex-wives or kids? Does he have any felony convictions? You know, the basics. So call me back and let me know. Love you."

My dad rocks :) He should be out to visit in a couple of weeks when he is jobless. Yay! (for him visiting and for him finally having free time)

Even when I'm not looking for a reason, I just love Craigslist. Why? Because of posts like this:


let's spoon and talk about nietzsche - 23 (M4W)
hi,

the title of this posting is pretty self explanatory. literally, all i want is to spoon and talk about nietzsche. that's all. i promise. i once tried spooning with a girl and talking about marx and that just didn't work out. she kept saying that i was hogging too much of the bed or that she should be the one with her arms around me.

Sensuality often makes love grow too quickly, so that the root remains weak and is easy to pull out.

i tried spooning with my cat but she doesn't really have a lot of intelligent input when it comes to nietzsche.

i guess if you really like spooning, but are not a fan of nietzsche i can just do all the talking myself and you can listen. or maybe, what would be my fantasy, is if you did your doctoral thesis on nietzsche and you just spooned me all night and read me your dissertation.

day 2 of cleveland marathon training, and i didn't run my 3 miles. the day's not over, but tonight's not looking promising. yep, this is going well. my own fault for running a race for my mom instead of for myself, i suppose. i have a feeling that training's going to be a lot less successful while in a relatinoship (i think i can call it that). unless, i convince him to become a crazy runner too... (insert evil laugh here)

as i type this i'm eavesdropping on a conversation between two of my profs. one is telling the other about her trip to japan and being in a forest surrounded by monkeys having sex. it's a little surreal.

You know you're too tired to be at work when you go to get a $1.50 coffee, pay with a $10 and tell the cashier to put the change in the tip jar. Oy.

And I forgot to relate the shock I felt this morning while watching the news and realizing that the building fire they were reporting on was about four blocks away. In retrospect I had been hearing an awful lot of sirens and helicoptors. Anyway, I don't think anyone was seriously injured, and it was far enough away that it didn't actually affect my life in any way. But it did make me realize how often I assume that the news doesn't have any bearing on me, as if everything happens far away and to other people.

I'm tired of this whole dating thing-- tired of talking about it, thinking about it, obsessing over it. I'm not feeling any more secure. I'm not any more certain that this makes sense for me. And I already hate having another person to consider in my life. I want to make decisions about what to do and when without thinking about how it will affect someone else. I want to enjoy training for the Cleveland Marathon without thinking about how the time it will take might affect a relationship.

I really really really like this guy. I'm feeling things about him that I've never felt about anyone. I can actually almost start to understand how and why people get married and have kids. But I've been happily single for far too long to just jump without reservation into a relationship.

***

Cleveland Marathon training started today with 3 miles. In an attmpt to avoid the injuries that plagued me last time around I am dropping back down to the novice training schedule. It starts out ridiculously easy, even considering that all my running for a while will be on the treadmill.

The parents apparently described me as "calm." Is that a good thing? I was pretty nervous (hadn't met anyone's parents in 8 years), and when I'm nervous I get quiet. I did hold my own while playing cards, but I was anything but rowdy.

Today, I met the parents. Yes, that's awfully quick. No, it didn't freak me out, at least not that much. It felt comfortable. I think I'm getting old.

In a move that will surprise no one except me, I am staging a return to academia. Of course, I haven't exactly moved very far from it since leaving grad school. Having been student, teacher, researcher, and administrator, I know that administration is the least draining (most of the time). But it's also the least rewarding. No pain, no gain.

So, having now been invited to contribute an academic article to a work in progress, I think it is time to return, tentatively and part-time, to the world of research and teaching. And so, I am going to re-join my professional societies, submit papers for conferences, attempt to publish already-written papers, and send out my CV to local colleges. Dammit.

If anyone has any helpful connections or would like to provide assistance in trying to recover data from my old laptop, let me know. :)

Perhaps I should temper this a bit before you all decide I need to go to therapy (I tried, didn't work).

1. Just because I don't immediately trust people doesn't mean I don't ever trust people. I know that my family and close friends (yes, you guys) would never intentionally do anything to hurt me. I think after 5+ years of knowing someone you can get to that point, and sometimes it doesn't take nearly that long. There are plenty of people in my life who have always been there when I needed them and vice versa. There are, of course, levels of trust. Like, I know my brother would never ever do anything to hurt me, but I also know better than to expect a phone call from him on my birthday. Some people are just flaky on the little stuff, but as long as you know that it's not a big deal. So, I am capable of trust. I just don't trust people as a whole.

2. I haven't actually broken things off with the boy. I'm going to try really really hard to give him the chance to earn my trust. I'm going to try not to freak out when I don't hear from him. And I'm going to try to let myself actually feel something, to let go, just a little bit. No promises, but I'll do my best.

A follow-up.

I have an inherent mistrust of people. All people. For those of you who think I'm strongly independent or a loner or whatever, the truth is that I just have no faith that other people won't let me down. When I tell people that my favorite activities are usually those I can do alone (hiking instead of climbing, running instead of group sports, reading instead of going to a play) they assume I don't like people. The truth is that I just don't believe that other people will always be there for me to join.

I don't mean this as a knock against any of you. Or anyone in my life, really. I have an amazing family and terrific friends. There is simply no reason for me to be so mistrustful. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I fail to create an attitutde of trust, people are less likely to want to be around me, and then they do let me down.

Recognition of the problem is supposed to be half the battle, but I've long known that this was true of me. I become a paranoid wreck in relationships, and I'm only really satisfied when my suspicions are confirmed. I haven't avoided serious relationships because I'm opposed to the idea or afraid of commitment. I just hate the relationship version of me, and I hate the thought of allowing someone close enough to hurt me. Have I let guys treat me like shit at times? Absolutely. And the reason is that in some perverse way I'm in control then. It doesn't hurt if I'm allowing it to happen.

The last time I remember letting go in a relationship was with the first guy I ever dated, my junior year of high school. And he turned out to be less than trustworthy. It would be easy to blame him. Or to blame the string of guys who've let me down since then. But I think this is just who I am. And since I don't know how to get over it, I think I might run away again. I love being single, and I love who I am when I'm single, so maybe that's what's right for me.

Ok, so the real reason I'm not sharing many details...

I have some serious lingering insecurities when it comes to dating and relationships. No matter how well this seems to be going, I am absolutely completely convinced that something is going to go wrong, and I'll end up with a broken heart again. I guess I think that will be easier if I haven't shared every detail of every date with all of you.

Of all the dating situations I've been in, this is the one I should have the least doubt about, but it's also already the one that would hurt the most if things were to go bad.

So please allow me my privacy.

Good things:
- When you choose a doctor at random from the phone book and later realize what a terrific decision you made.

- When you're invited, based on your past work, to contribute an article to an academic anthology, even though you've left the field.

- When a guy says to you on your third date, "when you meet my parents..." and you don't freak out.

- When you tell your mother you met a guy through an online personal ad, and her response is, "Oh, I just went to a wedding of a couple that met that way!"

The fancy, dress-up date went very very well :)

And this morning on the WGN news, the cultural segment featured reviews of Spamalot and the CSO piano concerto. And I had seen both. Damn, I'm sophisticated!

My coffeemaker at work is broken. Thus ends any shred of productivity I had left.

I wrote the following piece in March or April 2000. It's about a boy I didn't date, whose name is not really Eric. We went out a few times, but he had just met someone else and that was turning into something more serious than he'd originally thought, so things between us went nowhere. We're still friends, at least the kind of friends who email once a year. It's one of the few dating situations of my life that I look back at and feel completely good about. In any case, I think it helps explain some of my feelings about my current situation.

He turned to me, and his face showed me how sorry he was for what he was about to say. Behind the dark sunglasses, his green eyes told me everything I needed to know. I knew what was coming as well as he did, but somehow I wasn't sad. This was Eric, the first boy to ever truly know me as I really am right from the moment we met. He was amazing, incredible. I'd never met someone so brutally honest, so open with his feelings. No one had ever accepted me so readily. I didn't feel the need to embellish or exaggerate stories to impress Eric. Somehow he was impressed just by me and the things I actually did and said and accomplished. He cared about what I had to say and valued my opinions. And he remembered everything I said and wrote. No one ever really read my writing or wanted to, but Eric did. He read it, absorbed it and recalled every nuance. He went to great lengths to find out everything about me, and he wasn't ashamed to tell me that he did.

I think mostly I was intrigued by this boy. I don't think I'd ever met someone so similar to me. And yet I couldn't really pinpoint what it was that we had in common. I mean we were both intelligent and open-minded and probably shared a million other characteristics, but it was something that went much deeper than that. I could never shake this deep-down feeling that we shared some essential nature. Talking to Eric was like talking to myself. There's something really comforting about that. And yet talking to him wasn't like talking to anyone else ever was. He made me feel intelligent, And he challenged me to think beyond my normal, self-imposed limits. Somehow he had this way- and I'm not even sure he was aware- of making me realize that I could answer those tough questions without the normal bullshit of academia that was my typical protective shield. I had all the knowledge and analytical reasoning skills I needed to be an intellectual, but it took Eric to show me that. Somehow conversations with him never seemed to be over. They flowed so effortlessly from one thing to the next. And I'd walk away with more questions that I started with. I didn't know any of the mundane details of this boy's life, but I could tell you how he celebrated his 21st birthday in South Africa, or what it was like to sell fruit on the side of the road during a DC summer, or what it was like to see someone shot during a bank holdup in San Francisco. And I wanted to know everything about him- what position he played in baseball and what he liked to read and what his favorite classes had been and what kind of music he listened to and when he was moving and what languages he spoke. And yet there was never time to ask all the questions I had because the conversations just never ended. I wanted to talk to this boy forever and never stop. I don't think we would ever run out of things to say to each other. There couldn't be any subject too broad or narrow for us to tackle. And it all became so magically interesting when we talked about it.

In a way Eric scared me. Actually, in a lot of ways. It scared me that there could be someone out there who was so much like me. I'm an individual. I've never wanted to find my double, and yet here he was. My double, or maybe my soul mate. And he scared me because I realized that he was the kind of boy I wanted to marry. I wanted someone so passionately caring that they would read everything I'd written and want to listen to every word I said. Mostly, I wanted someone I could talk to so easily and openly without ever censoring myself or worrying about what I was saying. I wanted someone who would push me to be the best I could be and think the deepest thoughts I had in me. Eric did all that for me. That scared me because I wasn't ready to meet anyone like that. I wasn't ready for commitment and marriage and future. I wanted to live in the now, to have fun, to say 'to hell with consequences.' I was moving in a few months, and I didn't want ties. And I knew that regardless of what Eric was about to tell me, nothing between the two of us could last because of me. And how can you have a short-term fling with your soul mate? Or one of your soul mates, since I've never bought into the whole 'one perfect person for everyone' thing. And it all scared me because I didn't know if I'd find that that type of person when I was ready for that kind of thing someday. And I knew now that I could never settle for anything less. It's like tasting fine wine and knowing you can never go back to the cheap boxed stuff you drank at frat parties. It scared me, but not too much. I knew it was better to learn to be discerning. And I'd be happier someday for it. Lonelier, perhaps, but happier.

And so Eric started to explain. I knew what he was going to say before he started. Not the details, but the end results, which was all that was important to me. For once, I wasn't really interested in Eric's story. Not because it disappointed me so much, but because I knew he wouldn't tell it with his usual flair. It was the one story that he just weren't ready to be completely open and honest and detailed about because he couldn't know how I would react. I have to admit that I didn't pay much attention to the details that he did give. It was unimportant to me why we couldn't date. I knew we didn't belong together- not here, not now. I knew a short-term thing with him just couldn't make me happy. When I'd asked him out, I had no way of knowing how special he'd be. And I knew this was the one sure way to avoid having my heart broken yet again. And in a way Eric had already served his purpose for me, as far as dating was concerned. I'd proven to myself that I could ask a guy out and that I was still attractive and desirable. I'd proven to myself that I could go on a date with someone I didn't know and still have a wonderful time. I'd proven to myself that I didn't have to be looking for something to find it. Or for that matter even wanting something to find it. I'd proven to myself that there were still things worth finding and people worth meeting. Eric had done more for my dating life without actually dating me than most guys did after months of dating. So it didn't really matter why we couldn't date. I already knew. I just wanted to get back to what I truly loved about being with Eric- being great friends. I'd never had a friend quite like Eric before, and I couldn't wait to start talking to him again!

Why didn't someone remind me about winter weather before I left California?

I think my exes (don't ask what the 'ex' modifies) have a sixth sense. They know somehow--without me saying--that I am happy, and possibly moving on, and they have to make one last attempt to claim me. Not claim me for good, mind you, but just to keep me from getting over them completely. But they have failed- ha ha! So, even if this situation goes nowhere, there might be the happy result that I actually cut ties with my former flames. That's a big step for me!

In related news, I have apparently found myself a boy who plans our third date before we've even gone on our second. And the third date will require a fancy dress. I don't know how to be girly-- Help!

Happy half birthday to me!

I am not bringing someone to coffee, but that's because I've decided I want to have him all to myself for just a bit longer. Details will not be forthcoming on the blog, but they are available upon request, if you ask nicely. :)

I may be bringing someone to coffee...

Kelly is alive. Thank you for your concern.

I'm actually feeling a lot better, but I'm still tired enough that I don't have the energy to respond to emails and phone calls. I will be at coffee Tuesday.

Don't wanna go to work tomorrow. But at least I get to listen to my new ipod on the train.

Back in town, for a while this time, I think. Feel very very icky and not from alcohol. Paid a lot of money to party at a bar where I had two drinks and left early to go back to the hotel and sleep. Alas. There's always 2006. :)