I just want to be able to talk or think about anything other than the fire. I want to stop retelling and rehearing this story over and over again. I just can't handle hearing how close he was the death. This is all hard enough without being reminded that I almost lost him.

I want things to be, if not normal, at least not so jumbled. I want to be able to sleep without Matthew by my side and without freaking out about whether he's ok or not. I want to be able to hear a fire engine or smell a barbeque or see a cat without crying.

I'm actually doing pretty ok, for the most part. I'm worried about Matthew, of course, and I'm sad about Cecil. As long as I'm taking care of stuff, washing smoky clothes, etc (vinegar works well), I'm fine. It's when I stop that I freak out again. Going to work should be a great relief, but there's no one in my office still. No matter how much work I have to do (and it's piling up), I can't help but daydream and brood without anyone there.

I suppose I should be fine. It's not me who was in the fire. It's not my apartment and my stuff that's lost. But I fret over how to help Matthew without pressuring him or being in the way. I worry about how he's going to recover emotionally and financially. I worry about his mental state and his future plans.

Matthew's immediate reaction was anger, and I don't know how far past that he's moved. I started numb, moved to sad, and finally got to anger. I told my brother I'm moving through grief stages in reverse. He said if I'm in denial in a week then he'll be worried.

I'm not saying all of this so that you'll worry about me or anything. I just need to vent. My mom can only listen to me rant for so long, and I'm a little too on edge to sleep.

Matthew has a place to stay for now, and I think he'll be moving in somewhere soon. Things have been a little up and down with all of that, so I don't want to get my hopes up, but there are some promising leads.