A follow-up.

I have an inherent mistrust of people. All people. For those of you who think I'm strongly independent or a loner or whatever, the truth is that I just have no faith that other people won't let me down. When I tell people that my favorite activities are usually those I can do alone (hiking instead of climbing, running instead of group sports, reading instead of going to a play) they assume I don't like people. The truth is that I just don't believe that other people will always be there for me to join.

I don't mean this as a knock against any of you. Or anyone in my life, really. I have an amazing family and terrific friends. There is simply no reason for me to be so mistrustful. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I fail to create an attitutde of trust, people are less likely to want to be around me, and then they do let me down.

Recognition of the problem is supposed to be half the battle, but I've long known that this was true of me. I become a paranoid wreck in relationships, and I'm only really satisfied when my suspicions are confirmed. I haven't avoided serious relationships because I'm opposed to the idea or afraid of commitment. I just hate the relationship version of me, and I hate the thought of allowing someone close enough to hurt me. Have I let guys treat me like shit at times? Absolutely. And the reason is that in some perverse way I'm in control then. It doesn't hurt if I'm allowing it to happen.

The last time I remember letting go in a relationship was with the first guy I ever dated, my junior year of high school. And he turned out to be less than trustworthy. It would be easy to blame him. Or to blame the string of guys who've let me down since then. But I think this is just who I am. And since I don't know how to get over it, I think I might run away again. I love being single, and I love who I am when I'm single, so maybe that's what's right for me.