My favorite new response, from a guy with great taste in books and movies but who's listening to the all Christmas music radio station this month (eeeek!):

"I'm the most cheerful and upbeat cynic that you will ever meet. I moved to Chicago from Florida so that I could go to Cubs games. I'm popular with the building staffs at home and work. I'm useless at parties because I small talk at a preschool level. I laugh at everything, occasionally to the point of inappropriateness, except while driving at which point I morph into the Grim Reaper. I hold doors. I've never been in a fistfight. I fear spiders and public speaking. I also have a crush on Peyton Manning.

What am I looking for? Well, the killer reading list is what prompted the logorrhea before you, so intellectual curiosity is obviously a good thing. The vastly underrated "politeness" is something I look for. As for the more general relationship issues, I've unfortunately narrowed it down to something between "one-night stand" and "white picket fence." Anyone looking at my history would say I don't know what the hell I want or label me with the dreaded "commitmentphobe." I say society is full of commitmentphiles who are far too quick to subvert their personalities to a codependent state, and I'm looking for someone with a strong personality that isn't going to let that happen."