Remember when I said I wanted the students to return to campus because I was bored and lonely? Yeah, I was wrong. I want to post a sign that says, "Welcome back. Now please leave." I do love seeing everyone again. I don't love that they all have work for me to do. I believe I am currently swimming in paperwork. And naturally I keep adding to my workload. Because why wouldn't I make things more difficult for myself.

The dreams are gone because the insomnia is back in full force. :(

And this week will be a test to see if five baseball games in eight days will kill me or not.

While I haven't been suffering from insomnia the past couple of day, I have been having some really bizarre dreams.

Three nights ago, I dreamt that two people I knew had AIDS. I know I had the dream because right before bed I watched an episode of Girlfriends where they found out one of their friends had AIDS. Still, it was frightening.

Two nights ago, I dreamt that I was offered a better position in a different department, but I was reluctant to take it because I had unfinished business in my current position. Odd dream, but it did inspire me to get organized and work and be more productive in case something presents itself. :)

And last night, I dreamt that I was pregnant. I have no idea what prompted that one, but it was very, very scary.

I went to assertiveness training today, so expect a more assertive Kelly from now on. :)

I just want to be able to talk or think about anything other than the fire. I want to stop retelling and rehearing this story over and over again. I just can't handle hearing how close he was the death. This is all hard enough without being reminded that I almost lost him.

I want things to be, if not normal, at least not so jumbled. I want to be able to sleep without Matthew by my side and without freaking out about whether he's ok or not. I want to be able to hear a fire engine or smell a barbeque or see a cat without crying.

I'm actually doing pretty ok, for the most part. I'm worried about Matthew, of course, and I'm sad about Cecil. As long as I'm taking care of stuff, washing smoky clothes, etc (vinegar works well), I'm fine. It's when I stop that I freak out again. Going to work should be a great relief, but there's no one in my office still. No matter how much work I have to do (and it's piling up), I can't help but daydream and brood without anyone there.

I suppose I should be fine. It's not me who was in the fire. It's not my apartment and my stuff that's lost. But I fret over how to help Matthew without pressuring him or being in the way. I worry about how he's going to recover emotionally and financially. I worry about his mental state and his future plans.

Matthew's immediate reaction was anger, and I don't know how far past that he's moved. I started numb, moved to sad, and finally got to anger. I told my brother I'm moving through grief stages in reverse. He said if I'm in denial in a week then he'll be worried.

I'm not saying all of this so that you'll worry about me or anything. I just need to vent. My mom can only listen to me rant for so long, and I'm a little too on edge to sleep.

Matthew has a place to stay for now, and I think he'll be moving in somewhere soon. Things have been a little up and down with all of that, so I don't want to get my hopes up, but there are some promising leads.