I just want to be able to talk or think about anything other than the fire. I want to stop retelling and rehearing this story over and over again. I just can't handle hearing how close he was the death. This is all hard enough without being reminded that I almost lost him.

I want things to be, if not normal, at least not so jumbled. I want to be able to sleep without Matthew by my side and without freaking out about whether he's ok or not. I want to be able to hear a fire engine or smell a barbeque or see a cat without crying.

I'm actually doing pretty ok, for the most part. I'm worried about Matthew, of course, and I'm sad about Cecil. As long as I'm taking care of stuff, washing smoky clothes, etc (vinegar works well), I'm fine. It's when I stop that I freak out again. Going to work should be a great relief, but there's no one in my office still. No matter how much work I have to do (and it's piling up), I can't help but daydream and brood without anyone there.

I suppose I should be fine. It's not me who was in the fire. It's not my apartment and my stuff that's lost. But I fret over how to help Matthew without pressuring him or being in the way. I worry about how he's going to recover emotionally and financially. I worry about his mental state and his future plans.

Matthew's immediate reaction was anger, and I don't know how far past that he's moved. I started numb, moved to sad, and finally got to anger. I told my brother I'm moving through grief stages in reverse. He said if I'm in denial in a week then he'll be worried.

I'm not saying all of this so that you'll worry about me or anything. I just need to vent. My mom can only listen to me rant for so long, and I'm a little too on edge to sleep.

Matthew has a place to stay for now, and I think he'll be moving in somewhere soon. Things have been a little up and down with all of that, so I don't want to get my hopes up, but there are some promising leads.

Anyone who reads this probably already knows this, but in case you don't: There was a fire at Matthew's apartment last night (which apparently made the news). He and his roommate are fine, but his cat did not make it. If Matthew and Josh had been in the apartment another thirty seconds, they probably wouldn't have made it out alive. The apartment is gone. Matthew's clothes, books, and DVDs are mostly ok, but smoke damaged. The electronics are ruined-- mostly smoke damage, some water damage. Josh's stuff is completely gone. He was able to recover his wallet and a couple of pictures, but not much else.

I'm still in shock. We're both going to work tomorrow and are trying to move on. There's not much anyone can do to help at this point, although Matthew may be homeless for quite a while, at least until he recovers his security deposit, and I'm not sure how long we'll enjoy living together in my 300 square feet.

Thank you for the kind emails and such. I'm still processing and will respond at some point.

Lance, give it up already. Enjoy your impossible-to-top seven victories. Enjoy having the money to retire at 33. Enjoy your rock-star fiancee. Enjoy finally spending time with your young children. Enjoy raising money for a worthy cause. Enjoy leisurely rides with the President. But whatever you do, for God's sake don't do the Tour again. And don't blame the French media if you just can't stay off the bike.

For those of you keeping track, my email address has changed. The first part is the same, but it is now at gmail.com, instead of at yahoo.com. If you didn't know my email address in the first place, you don't need to know. :)

I just walked past football practice. I think I'm bigger than some of the players that were out there. In fact, if I went to school here I might think about trying out for the team. I guess that's why I can get season tickets to their games for a whopping $10.